Toddlerhood

Right now I am in the trenches of toddlerhood. My son is two and a half and has gained such a sense of independence. I love it, however, with the independence has come many power struggles. This is something we are dealing with on a daily basis and it’s draining. I am now in the 3rd trimester with baby #2 working to survive the days. These power struggles have really made me look inward at myself however. What am I doing as his parent that fuels these fires and how can I make changes? It’s common knowledge that much of this is normal development for a toddler, but there are other factors that fuel the intensity. Let’s face it, learning how to navigate power struggles with a two year old is challenging.

I have read several articles trying to get an idea of how I can implement useful strategies to not only help him but me as well. I grew up with very reactive parents, who have since calmed down as they have aged. But now I am stuck in the vicious cycle of trying to break the unhealthy family cycles over the years. My grandparents were also very reactive so naturally, you learn from your environment. I am working to understand my triggers, and better respond in triggering moments with my son. Though it is hard, I want to cultivate a loving, lasting relationship with my son. I have had much resentment towards my parents for many years that I am still trying to navigate. I’d like to avoid that at all costs with my kids.

Navigating power struggles

Common sense may tell you that if you throw gas on the fire it is going to spread significantly. I have read many things that say we as the parent need to pick our battles. We often get stuck in the ugly cycle of barking demands at our kids. While holding expectations is important in my opinion, being mindful of the level of expectations is key. My two year old understands a lot, however, he is only two and I can’t expect him to reason as a two year old. I tend to hold my expectations a little too high and I see the frustration it causes him. I also catch myself in my OWN power struggle when he doesn’t want to listen. The more he resists the more I push back and that causes a bigger problem.

Being conscious of my words and how I phrase things is important. There was an article that I read from “Conscious mommy” and they explain that instead of demanding so much of our child, break it up. It’s unrealistic to demand a million things at once and expect compliance. Another thing I am guilty of, that I have read about in multiple articles is the expectation of him listening when I ask him the first time. Everyone needs time to process information, as adults, we have the ability to listen the first time but toddlers are not developmentally there yet. It seems the rule of thumb is get their attention then ask the necessary task. Distracted kids do not have listening ears on.

Two year old self regulation

I am also learning that toddlers do not have the capability of regulating their emotions automatically. Then again, neither do adults. The phrase “we cannot teach what we do not already know” hits deeply for me. Emotional regulation was not something I was taught as a child. So, here I am into adulthood learning how to regulate myself while trying to teach my two year old how to regulate as well. It’s a tough process because the default settings tend to override in stressful situations. Rewiring years of default settings is no easy task. Apologizing is something I do often to show my son respect when I make a mistake and lose my temper.

Tools for teaching emotions

I have purchased different items that help teach emotional recognition. Such as the eggxpress bus from target, each egg has a different facial expression that shows various emotions. It comes with little cards that explain the emotion and give it a name, my son loves it. Target also had emotion flashcards in the bullseye section that we have been using. There is a book that comes with little emotion characters called “Lil buddies”. It is the cutest little set that I plan to purchase for my son this month to test it out. Rachel Roger’s who I found on instagram has so many helpful resources that I have been looking into not only to help me, but to help my son as well. I recently purchased her “calming corner” digital file pack for my son which I will be working to implement. They have such cute illustrations and will help us identify his feelings and his need to better regulate tough situations. I am excited to start working with this.

Helping yourself before you can help your children

There are many resources that can help us as parents learn to better regulate ourselves. Some may not be a fan of traditional methods such as a therapist. The social media stream has grown significantly in this day and age so there are many professional women that have created their business and name this way. The considerate momma on instagram, mindfulmess mom, mama psychologists, nurtured first, and big little feelings are all pages I follow. They offer helpful advice and they offer different workshops that you can choose to pay for to learn more in-depth. I enjoy all the tips they share on their social media because they really make you stop and think about how you can improve your parenting style.

These type of pages feel a lot less intimidating, they are more of an intimate setting and you can learn a lot. Getting daily strategies that can help you become a more conscious parent, that you can easily refer back to when you need. Many people feel as though the conscious more respectful parenting approach is weak minded. However, we should stop and consider that we also don’t want to raise children with the same issues we are trying to resolve ourselves. Learning how to teach our children emotional regulation is important for their wellbeing but also for our relationships and their relationships with others as they grow.

Showing respect

Parents often demand respect from their children. However, we need to take into consideration if WE as parents are modeling respect to them? How can we expect respect from our children if we are not respecting them first. Talking down to them constantly, giving the attitude, being sarcastic, mocking, showing no sympathy when they have big feelings does not warrant respect from them. There are certain habits I have that need undoing. When my son has big feelings sometimes it gets triggering and I downplay his feelings. He is entitled to feel the way he needs to feel, however, learning HOW is up to me to teach him. Otherwise, there will be more power struggles.

All this to say…

I guess I wanted to write all this to say if you are in the trenches of toddler tantrums and power struggles you’re not alone. There are many resources that you can access for self improvement and to learn how to guide your child through the tough times. It requires a lot of conscious decision making and patience. Toddlers are learning how to navigate this world and look to us for guidance. All we can so is support them and show them positive coping techniques. Coming into the world with positive coping techniques will continue to break unhealthy family cycles for generations to come. There is such a stigma about little boys expressing their emotions. Many believe it will make them weak and it does them an injustice.

This couldn’t be furthest from the truth. I want my boys to be able to express themselves with EASE. I never want them afraid to tell me anything, and one day when they have significant others I want them to be able to express themselves without shame. However, they will never be able to do that if I don’t make corrections to my bad habits when it comes to parenting. Just because our parents may have lacked the necessary tools to teach appropriate emotional stability, doesn’t mean it has to continue. My goal is to make positive changes little bits at a time to help both my boys and I navigate the big feelings and build confidence going forward. Don’t forget to check out my other posts and enjoy 🙂